When Kids Lose Control

Lenore Skenazy
Thu, 30 Apr 2026 19:28:01 -0700
Opinion

When people ask whether kids' mental health has been declining only since the iPhone, or only since COVID-19, I often point to this piece by Let Grow cofounder Peter Gray going back much further (decades, in fact): "Decline in Independent Activity as a Cause of Decline in Children's Mental Wellbeing."

Published in 2023 in the Journal of Pediatrics, it describes how kids' free time and free play have been declining since the 1970s — and their mental health has been declining in tandem.

What happened? Our understandable goal, as a nation, was to make kids safer — physically, emotionally, even academically. We did this by always watching, teaching and helping them. Wouldn't this safety make kids LESS anxious?
Updated: Thu Apr 30, 2026

When people ask whether kids' mental health has been declining only since the iPhone, or only since COVID-19, I often point to this piece by Let Grow cofounder Peter Gray going back much further (decades, in fact): "Decline in Independent Activity as a Cause of Decline in Children's Mental Wellbeing."

Published in 2023 in the Journal of Pediatrics, it describes how kids' free time and free play have been declining since the 1970s — and their mental health has been declining in tandem.

What happened? Our understandable goal, as a nation, was to make kids safer — physically, emotionally, even academically. We did this by always watching, teaching and helping them. Wouldn't this safety make kids LESS anxious?

You'd think! But here's the catch, Gray explained: Everyone has something called a "locus of control." When you have a well-developed INTERNAL locus of control, you feel you can handle things, solve problems, make your own decisions. You are in control of your life.

An EXTERNAL locus of control is when you feel people or forces outside of you are in charge. Someone else is directing you. You don't have the ability — or even the opportunity — to deal with the problems and possibilities of everyday life. "And people who lack that ability, regardless of age, are far more susceptible to anxiety and depression," according to Gray.

In one typical radio interview with Gray, callers immediately understood this point. One recalled his "stay out till the streetlights come on" childhood and felt his own kids had "issues" thanks to so little autonomy.

Another worried she was being overprotective with her own child, to which Gray replied, "Overprotective parenting has become the norm, and it's very difficult to do something counter to the norm." He added that Let Grow is changing the laws to make sure reasonable childhood independence is not mistaken for neglect in these anxious, judgy times.

The final caller, a high school teacher, said today's students are less mature than those of 15 years ago.

In response to the question on everyone's mind — whether social media is the problem — Gray pointed out that study after study has found that kids online would RATHER be hanging out together in real life. But when that's impossible — or when there's always an adult supervising — online becomes the only place to gather.

"Are they avoiding meeting friends in reality because of social media, or are they using social media because we are not allowing them to meet up in reality?" is how Gray put it.

This is a question The Harris Poll tackled this past summer by asking kids ages 8-12 if they agreed with this statement: "I'd spend less time online if there were more friends in the neighborhood to play with in person."

Seventy-three percent — almost three out of four — said yes.

That's why I'm happy to hear about more and more families, even kids themselves, organizing Let Grow Play Clubs in a local park or playground. The kids meet up at a certain time each week — and their parents stay home. Schools can stay open for Let Grow Play Clubs too! An adult is there, but as a lifeguard just for emergencies. The kids organize their own games and solve their own spats. At last, a place where kids can gather and NOT be on their phones!

And for anyone hoping to bring more independence into kids' lives, consider the Let Grow Experience: Kids get the homework assignment, "Go home and do something new, on your own." Our materials are free for that too.

By overseeing so much of kids' lives, we accidentally sucked out the autonomy, growth and fun. It's not hard to give those back once we realize that TRULY making kids safe means protecting their internal locus of control.