Fiancee Has Sudden Change of Heart

Martin and Josie Brown
Sat, 15 Mar 2014 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear John: I am a 32-year-old divorced male. I have been living for two years with my 24-year-old girlfriend. A few months ago, she began hinting at us getting married. I had been thinking along these lines, and after much thought, I proposed. She accepted and wrote all of her friends and relatives. Just a week later, she told me that the feeling has gone and that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she wants time to be by herself and to be more independent. I took it very hard. I even accused her of cheating on me with the friend she is seeing for advice, something she vehemently denies. She tells me it may be too late for us because of all of the fights we've had these last few weeks. — Hoping to Fix This, in West Chester, Pa.

Dear Fix This: When couples go through a series of fights, trust erodes. It can be rebuilt, but it takes time and persistence. Additionally, your partner's age is relevant to the overall situation. Your 20s should be a time of personal introspection and self-discovery. It is the time during which we should be developing our senses of autonomy. Marriage works best when one has achieved a strong sense of self. My advice: Apologize and let her know you love her, leave the door open, and be patient. If she is the right one, she'll be back.

Dear John: My husband, "Phil," and I have been married for four years and have a 2-year-old son. Our ongoing issue is that his mother thinks I'm not good enough for her son. She makes this clear all the time to both Phil and his family. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she is the one taking care of our son when we're both at work. Her caretaking responsibilities enable her to interfere with our lives, both as a couple and as parents. Everything I do is wrong! For example, she says that I'm crazy because I miss my son when I work and that "I don't deserve to have more children." My husband doesn't protect me in front of her, and most of our arguments are because of this. When we got married, I felt that no matter what he would always be there for me. Now I don't have confidence in him. Is having my husband's full support too much to ask? — At a Loss, in Falls Church, Va.
Updated: Sun Mar 16, 2014

Dear John: I am a 32-year-old divorced male. I have been living for two years with my 24-year-old girlfriend. A few months ago, she began hinting at us getting married. I had been thinking along these lines, and after much thought, I proposed. She accepted and wrote all of her friends and relatives. Just a week later, she told me that the feeling has gone and that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she wants time to be by herself and to be more independent. I took it very hard. I even accused her of cheating on me with the friend she is seeing for advice, something she vehemently denies. She tells me it may be too late for us because of all of the fights we've had these last few weeks. — Hoping to Fix This, in West Chester, Pa.

Dear Fix This: When couples go through a series of fights, trust erodes. It can be rebuilt, but it takes time and persistence. Additionally, your partner's age is relevant to the overall situation. Your 20s should be a time of personal introspection and self-discovery. It is the time during which we should be developing our senses of autonomy. Marriage works best when one has achieved a strong sense of self. My advice: Apologize and let her know you love her, leave the door open, and be patient. If she is the right one, she'll be back.

Dear John: My husband, "Phil," and I have been married for four years and have a 2-year-old son. Our ongoing issue is that his mother thinks I'm not good enough for her son. She makes this clear all the time to both Phil and his family. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she is the one taking care of our son when we're both at work. Her caretaking responsibilities enable her to interfere with our lives, both as a couple and as parents. Everything I do is wrong! For example, she says that I'm crazy because I miss my son when I work and that "I don't deserve to have more children." My husband doesn't protect me in front of her, and most of our arguments are because of this. When we got married, I felt that no matter what he would always be there for me. Now I don't have confidence in him. Is having my husband's full support too much to ask? — At a Loss, in Falls Church, Va.

Dear At a Loss: It is not too much to ask your husband to support you in his mother's presence. Usually men hesitate to do so because they don't know how to support their wives without being disrespectful to their mothers. To a man's point of view, it's like dancing through a minefield.

Suggest to your husband that he consider saying: "Mom, you have a right to your opinion. But my wife has the right to do things her way, and I'd rather you not express your opinion to me. Please honor this request." He should keep repeating this comment to her until she hears what he is saying. While you mentioned that you and your husband consider your mother-in-law a good caregiver, both of you should keep in mind that those same negative comments she makes freely to his family might also be heard by your child while he is in her care, and may adversely affect his attitude toward both you and his grandmother as he matures. I would strongly suggest that, together, you discuss with her the effects such negative comments may have on your son. A respectful babysitter is better than a needlessly critical grandparent.